Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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“I wouldn’t.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.