*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*