please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?