Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Monday
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?