“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“you recording!?”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back