I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”