Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
me: my friends:
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO