Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
You Might Also Like
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep