Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My neck, my back, my…
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.