[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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From Facebook just now…
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me too 😆
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent