I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again