T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi