me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
You Might Also Like
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”