Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I falcon love using swear birds
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.