Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Hmmmmm
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
me when the borders lift
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.