[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.