[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
You Might Also Like
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*