Me as a therapist: omg same
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GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!