Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
What
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?