What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia