Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Plant care tips
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?