Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Wait for it
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.