My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Only a mother’s love …
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
New comic up. “Ransom”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.