Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
called in thicc to work this morning
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Good morning!
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭