BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score