[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?