I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Husband of the year 😂
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
True
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.