People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
You Might Also Like
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.