My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
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Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
ready to be harvested
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.