Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
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Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.