If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.