The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Finally, a door that understands me
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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