When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Duolingo getting serious.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.