Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes