[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“The Perfect Relationship”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?