I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
what day is it?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants