Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too