Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..