how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*looks at you in batman voice*
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
How dramatic are you?
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said