My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*