I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.