I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
You Might Also Like
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.