Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.