Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some