Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
You Might Also Like
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.