Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”