Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My dad is at it again
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct