[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You Might Also Like
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.