one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
He a real one for that
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
welp
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.