[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.